Asian Birth Story: Keelia's Homebirth on the kitchen floor

Keelia is a birthworker and a parent of two kids. She shares with us the story of her second birth, a testament to the innate power of a birthing person.

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"I happened to be on our kitchen floor at the time. There was no way I was moving and no one asked me to- - this baby was just going to be born right here, next to the laundry closer."

Photo by @jessica_knai

"I was not in a good mood."

I kept having contractions that annoyingly didn't go anywhere, keeping me up at night when I was desperate to rest after running (read: waddling) around with my toddler around all day.

I was so done being pregnant. Even though I was overjoyed to carry this baby (we'd lost our last one in a very painful miscarriage), my body has always had a hard time with pregnancy. Intense nausea that lasted well into the second trimester, pubic symphysis dysfunction that made it feel like my pelvis was falling apart, back pain so severe that I would crawl to get around the house.

All this to say, grumpy wasn't how I wanted to feel during pregnancy or birth. I wanted to feel at least somewhat welcoming towards this labor that would be arriving any day, ready in a way that wasn't just to escape the discomfort of pregnancy. But it didn't feel like I was welcoming labor, it felt more like I was saying, "Get in here already, and be quick about it."

Like I said--bad mood.

Then one evening while my partner and I did our end-of-day house tidying, I started slipping into labor land, pausing every few minutes to close my eyes. The contractions were sticking this time, and they were gradually ramping up. It was finally happening.

The birth team arrived quietly in the background, but as with my first birth I didn't want anyone to touch or talk to me. The only exceptions were that I absolutely needed to lean my entire weight on my partner as soon as a contraction started, and I needed my doula (@thedykedoula) to tell me to breathe in (for some reason, it felt impossible to breathe unless they specifically told me 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I was so glad labor had arrived, SO excited to meet my baby, but it still just felt like hard work. And it is, it always is, but with my first labor I was at least able to smile. That was not going to happen this time.

"You don't have to like labor."

My midwife said this to me between contractions at one point, and it was oddly the perfect encouragement. It helped me feel free to just labor the way I needed to, which was grouchily. I scowled when I wanted, shook my head a few times, and stuck with my swaying and breathing as the waves came and went.

Then I had a contraction that brought me to my knees. I'd heard former birth clients say that before, and now I knew what they meant. After only 3 hours of labor (which looked and felt like early labor) one contraction forced me on to all fours, and for the first time I let out a roar. It felt great.

I roared for the next contraction, too. Then as the third arrived I remember blurting out, "Baby's coming, get the housemates." (we live with two dear friends of ours, and I really wanted them to be present for the birth)I happened to be on our kitchen floor at the time. There was no way I was moving, and no one asked me to--this baby was just going to be born right here, next to the laundry closet. #homebirth

Within 15 minutes, little Rey Ocean was born and lifted up into my arms. I lay on my side, curled around her, and said, "Hi." She smelled heavenly, and an explosive wave of joy and tears washed over me. She's here. It's over. She's here. She's crying, and her lungs sound great. Everything is great. She's just here in my arms.

The specific way Rey came out was also special: she was born in an unbroken sac up until her shoulders. This meant her head came out in a big, encased bubble of water. The sac burst as the rest of her body emerged, so she was born on a tidal wave.

We had already picked out her middle name, Ocean, and that plus being born partially in the sac, plus her Chinese zodiac being a water tiger added up to a pretty cool combination of circumstances. We were over the moon.

Postpartum Depression

Almost immediately, postpartum depression came for me. I was still deeply in love with Rei, but in my experience things like love can be true while waves of depression still incessantly crash over me for months at a time. It wasn't just depression though, it was anxiety, it was severe PTSD leftover from years ago. Things I thought I had worked through reared their heads in the wee hours of the morning as I sat rocking my baby back to sleep.

Thankfully I had an incredible partner, postpartum doula, countless friends and now a therapist who have all helped immensely with the intrusive thoughts. But those weeks - even though they had many beautiful moments - were immensely challenging for me.

I share this to help normalise the experience.

As a birth worker, I knew all the signs to look out for and I had access to all the right resources, and I still had a very harf time just getting through each day. All while I was blissfully in love with this tiny human who I was bonding with easily - both were true.